The LA Times’ NBA Rankings – Week of April 15, 2012

Chicago stays at the top while Lakers move up to No. 4.

Derrick Rose and the Bulls are still The Times’ top-ranked NBA team. (Tannen Maury Corbis / EPA)

April 14, 2012, 9:49 p.m.

BEN BOLCH’S RANKINGS, COMMENTS THROUGH SATURDAY My comments

FIRST-GROWTH BORDEAUX
1. CHICAGO (45-14) Derrick Rose‘s return could go by any other name but it’s still unproductive. (1) How the Bulls keep on winning with D-Rose is a testament to the concept of building a TEAM.
2. OKLAHOMA CITY (44-16) Thunder fans anxious about April slump shouldn’t look up 2011 Lakers. (2) They’re just bored, waiting for the last day of school so they can get started on summer vacation which, in this case, are the playoffs.
3. MIAMI (41-17) Dwyane Wade should be able to scrape by on salary, endorsement deals. (3) Well, he does have to children at home to feed and as Latrell Sprewell tried to tell us years ago…
4. LAKERS (38-22) Andrew Bynum never took SAT because he’d already mastered boards. (5) When the Kobe Bryant Ass-Kissing Society comes to its senses and realizes that it’s wayyyy past time for the self-professed Black Mamba to check his ego at the door and play “inside-out” ball with Bynum and Gasol, the Lakers will be much better off.
5. SAN ANTONIO (42-16) Spurs suddenly have trouble winning at half strength or full strength. (4) Sex and age are the undefeated champions of all-time!
NAPA VALLEY CABERNET
6. INDIANA (38-22) Barking up wrong tree: West accidentally hits mascot Moon Dog in eye. (6) Uh…
7. CLIPPERS (37-23) Looks like possible happy endings for Clipper Darrell and Vinny Del Negro. (7) I once went to a massage parlor in the Philippines with the same name.
8. MEMPHIS (35-24) Playoff success vs. Spurs still trumps getting swept by them in regular season. (10) Don’t sleep on the Grizz.
9. ATLANTA (35-24) Could get Al Horford back but playing like they don’t really need him. (9) Is Jermaine Dupri still amongst the living?
10. BOSTON (35-25) If Celtics rise any faster, they’ll have to worry about getting the bends. (11) Anyone who thinks the older-than-dirt Celtics are going to win another title probably is holding out hope that Mitt Romney will pick Herman Cain as his running mate.
11. ORLANDO (34-25) Dwight Howard‘s ailing back a major pain in the rear for Magic fans. (8) Won’t it be funny if his back injury causes Howard to have to accept a below-max contract from the Magic next year?
12. DALLAS (34-26) Boy-Scout-in-waiting Lamar Odom didn’t get orienteering badge with Mavs. (12) Seriously, LO needs to go away and get some much-needed help before he even thinks about playing again.
BOXED WINE
13. HOUSTON (32-27) Recent home games go as well as first “Martian Chronicles” missions. (14) That good?
14. DENVER (32-27) New reality show: “Things JaVale McGee says and does.” (13) He may be the most unintentionally funny NBA player ever. He’s what my grandmother used to call “drifty.”
15. PHILADELPHIA (31-28) Team that hasn’t won three in a row since March needs new plan for playoffs. (15) Doug Collins will do that to a team after a while.
16. PHOENIX (31-29) Now’s time when Suns want triple digits inside, outside US Airways Center. (17) Yawn.
17. NEW YORK (31-28) Phil who? Win over Heat would make team 10-0 at home under Mike Woodson. (18) Read my fingers: Phil Jackson is too old and set in his ways to work for someone as f**ked up as Jim Dolan. On the other hand, offer the Zen Master $15-20 million a year and…
18. UTAH (31-30) Spurs box score should include Gregg Popovich since he was Jazz‘s top defender. (16) How doesn’t Herr Commissioner Stern step in when the Spurs don’t even bother taking Duncan, Ginobli and Parker to SLC for a game?
19. MILWAUKEE (29-31) Is Monta Ellis Robin to Brandon Jennings‘ Batman or vice versa? (19) And we should care about his because?
20. PORTLAND (28-32) Fans wish they were put under to avoid season of bad medical news. (20) One has to wonder how Microsoft might have fared if Paul Allen had stuck around and worked there full-time over the years.
21. MINNESOTA (25-36) JaVale McGee now disliked even more in Minneapolis than in Washington. (21) JaVale McGee: pissing off America one NBA city at a time!
TWO-BUCK CHUCK
22. GOLDEN ST. (22-37) Warriors fans wishing they could fast forward to the Andrew Bogut era. (22) Ah yes, nothing like an oft-injured white foreign player who hasn’t lived up to his potential to inspire a long woe-begotten franchise.
23. DETROIT (22-37) Rodney Stuckey, Tayshaun Prince treated like paupers, benched vs. Bucks. (23) Forget the “Shroud of Turin”, how Joe Dumars keeps his job is the greatest mystery of all.
24. NEW JERSEY (22-39) NBA‘s Board of Governors approves relocation, agrees Nets are awful. (27) Brooklyn is not Manhattan and even Deron Williams, a guy from Dallas, Texas, knows that.
25. TORONTO (21-39) Bad news: Andrea Bargnani out rest of season. Good: It doesn’t matter. (24) Why does it matter that a Canadian opera singer is out for the rest of the season. Oh, he PLAYS for Toronto. My bad.
26. CLEVELAND (20-38) Luke Harangody wants no part of Cavs with D-League playoffs starting. (26) Who ever that is. Say, is Bill Walton’s son still not playing for the Cavs?
27. SACRAMENTO (19-41) Does anyone really care where the unfit-to-exist franchise ends up? (25) I hear Kansas City has a nice fairly new AEG run arena just waiting for a NBA franchise. Maybe they’d be willing to settle for the Kings instead.
28. NEW ORLEANS (17-42) Tom Benson couldn’t get the parking lots with his $338 million either. (28) It must be nice to have an extra $338 million in your wallet.
29. WASHINGTON (14-46) Wins over Thunder, Lakers, Magic must have come thanks to magic spells. (29) Quick, name one starter. I dare you.
TWO O’CLOCK … WAS THAT A GOOD YEAR?
30. CHARLOTTE (7-51) Bobcats are like a 1980s B movie that’s so bad you can’t look away. (30) And yet, thousands of empty seats at each home games shows that Charlottians (yes I made that up) look away.

 

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