Sunday, September 18, 2011

THEY SAID IT

“I didn’t make any statements that would indicate that I’m a doctor, I’m a scientist or that I’m making any conclusions about the drug one way or another.” Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann told reporters in California on Thursday in response questions about to her suggestion earlier in the week that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation. She left out “human being”, but I digress.

“I’m happy that I got the job [Speaker of the House]. People ask me if I’m having fun. Hell no, I’m not having any fun! Somebody show me where the fun is! But, I am glad I’m there.” – John Boehner responding to a reporter’s question after his speech on jobs to the Economic Club of Washington D.C. You’re about the only one who is.

“I’m a hold-your-nose Obama voter. I think we’re going to be a big part of his constituency in 2012.” – Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings in Time after being asked how he is planning on voting for president next year. I can’t help but wonder if that’s a legitimate response on polling questionnaires.

“His book is full of disgusting lies, innuendo and smears.” – Todd Palin, Sarah Palin’s husband, on the biography written by Joe McGinniss about her. As opposed to just “regular” lies.

“I would have fired my (self). Well, maybe not like they did.” – Former Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen when asked by Tonight Show host Jay Leno if he’s still “angry” at CBS and the producers of the show. Charlie would have fired himself via Stripper-Gram.

RANDOM THOUGHTS

I’m convinced that prolonged exposure to Michele “Kelly” Bachmann leads to mental retardation. In a totally unrelated matter, whatever happened to her husband? It’s like Marcus Bachmann disappeared from the face of the earth after her campaign launch.

Dick Cheney’s is the world’s evilest “person” ever and second place isn’t even close.

Whatever happened to Paul “Mr Potter” Ryan?

Rudy “MC Rudy G” Giuliani is no more running for president than my brother’s dog is.

The fact that Donald “How’s My Hair?” Trump is waiting for Sarah “Beyonce” Palin to make her decision before deciding which Republican presidential candidate to endorse tells me everything I need to know about him.

Speaking of Palin, she’s nothing more than that fine girl in high school who kept stringing you along the entire senior year threatening to maybe, just maybe give you “some” but never did.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I really, really, really wish that Bill Clinton would just go the “F” away. We’ve got one president, thank you and he doesn’t need your constant “advice” or that of Mary Matalin’s “cuck”, James Carville.

I’ll probably inch a bit closer to the head of the “Going Straight To Hell In A Hand Basket” line for writing this, but I was more than just a bit disappointed that Michaele Salahi was in fact safe and not kidnapped.

Brad Pitt just needs to stop talking publicly about Jennifer Anniston. Forever.

All of a sudden, Charlie Sheen seems to realize that those $1.2 million per first-run episode checks from Two and a Half Men won’t be rolling in this season.

Maybe she knows something that no one else does, but after Rosie O’Donnell’s spectacular flame-out on The View, it’s hard to believe that Oprah has put so much on the line with a new show from her.

Dating George Clooney is like being hired to manage/coach a professional sports team: you’re hired to be fired. Consider yourself warned Stacy Keibler.

It’s time for a judge to “Robert Downey Jr” Lindsay Lohan and throw her a** in jail and throw away the key for a year – 18 months. That’s the only thing that’s going to get her attention and possibly save her from herself.

The Emmy Awards on FOX vs the NFL on NBC with Michael Vick returning to the ATL as the starting QB of the Eagles. Hmmm, I wonder who wins that ratings battle Sunday night.

I’d put my money, if gambling were legal, on Modern Family and The Good Wife being big winners at the Emmys on Sunday night.

I don’t see how NBC’s new sitcoms Up All Night and Free Agents last an entire season, let alone get picked up for season two. Both are “one-note” premises and there’s absolutely no chemistry between the main characters in either show. As for the first show, will somebody please write a show for Maya Rudolph and quit wasting her considerable talents playing behind Christina Applegate and the increasingly grating Will Arnett (I just don’t know why he keeps getting hired). PLEASE!

To the person who last week accused me of “watching too much television”, I say, I LOVE television and will watch as much (or as little) as I want to. You be you and let me be me. Capiche?

Am I the only one who’s noticed that big-time college football games are moving more and more from Saturday afternoons to Saturday nights? Michigan just played its first home night game last Saturday (drawing a record 114,000 to the “Big House”) and this year’s USC/Notre Dame game in South Bend will be under the lights too.

Former UCLA football head coach Karl Dorrell and offensive coordinator Norm Chow, fired to hire and fired by current head coach Rick Neuheisel respectively, must be somewhere laughing their a**es off after UCLA’s latest dismantling on Saturday.

I couldn’t stop laughing at this week’s news that the NBA reached a new five year agreement with its…referees! I can’t wait to see which owner or player they eject from a bargaining session first.

Speaking of stupid, weird NBA-related decisions, in honor of Meta World Peace nee Ron Artest, I’m changing the pronunciation of my name to Char-les. And you must say it with a French accent. Merci.

New Floyd Mayweather, Jr slogan: Call me what you want as long as you call me 42-0!

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