“He’s only half-black.” “He’s a Mormon, whatever that is.”
“Help! Somebody push my rewind button! I’m stuck!”
“Attention fellow Martians, excuse me, Mormons! Our mission to take over America is almost complete. We’re just two small steps away from the White House. Do not, I repeat, do not lose your focus or courage. Come November 6, we will be triumphant. Seig Heil!”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Absent a political earthquake, the GOP nomination outcome is set in stone. Willard Mitt Romney will be the Republican Party’s presidential nominee in 2012. And just as the red hot Republican Revolution of 1994 was followed by Bob Dole’s ascension in 1996, the Tea Party Uprising of 2010 is being followed by the nomination of Obamacare’s ideological architect. Regardless, the fat lady has sung. As conservative talker Hugh Hewitt declared on National Review Online last night, ‘The race for the GOP nomination is still over.’” – Morning Joe co-host Joe Scarborough after Romney’s three primary victories Tuesday.
ROMNEY NOT-SO “RINGING” ENDORSEMENT STATEMENTS
“Now, Mitt is not a perfect candidate. He has a number of problems. It’s hard for blue-collar families like mine to identify with him. It’s hard for economic conservatives to identify with him. He needs to do more to reach out to the Latinos. But I think he has focus on that and on defeating President Obama as opposed to winning the next primary in the next state, and it’s time to do that.” Translation: “We would be better off nominating a trained chimp or no one at all, but since those aren’t viable options…What the hell, we’re going to lose anyway.” —Former New York Gov. George Pataki, Mar. 7, 2012
“There are a lot of other people out there that some of us wish had run for president—but they didn’t. I think Mitt Romney would be a fine president, and he’d be way better than the guy who’s there right now.” Translation: “Please, please, please; somebody, anybody come out and run before it’s too late!” —Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, Mar. 29, 2012
“This is a pretty critical year. There are big decisions for the country to make and … I think we would be well-advised as Republicans to start getting behind our eventual nominee.” Translation: “Look people, absent an ‘immaculate nomination’, we have no other choice.”
—Utah Sen. Mike Lee, Mar. 25, 2012
“The Republican Party is fortunate to have many candidates who are well-qualified … Last May—three months before Gov. Perry announced his candidacy—I contributed to Gov. Romney’s campaign and committed to supporting him. Both candidates have impressive records of creating jobs and controlling spending in their home states. My support of Gov. Romney does not lessen my regard for Gov. Perry.” Translation: “I was a fool to support ‘Pretty Ricky’ and now I’m desperately trying to make up for it. ‘Desperately’ being the key word.”
—Texas Rep. Lamar Smith, Oct. 29, 2011
“I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best equipped to defeat Barack Obama. Despite our differences and the space between us on some of the issues, I believe that candidate is Gov. Mitt Romney.” Translation: “Okay, now will you release my wife and kids?” —Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman, Jan. 16, 2012
“With all due respect to my fellow conservative leaders determined to oppose Gov. Romney, that is not a worthy endeavor. For the sake of our Republic, I’m not willing to wait until the Republican National Convention to sort this out. It’s time to unite behind a worthy presidential candidate, build our organization and raise the resources necessary to defeat the liberal electoral machine.” Translation: “Unfortunately, Mitt Romney is as ‘worthy’ as it gets this time around.” —American Conservative Union Chairman Al Cardenas, Mar. 26, 2012
“Now is the time for Republicans to unite behind Gov. Romney and take our message of fiscal conservatism and job creation to all voters this fall.” Translation: “I’m actively searching for a new last name so I can run against Hillary Clinton in 2016. Suggestions are being accepted at www.helpjebgetanewname.com” —Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, Mar. 21, 2012
“While I also admire his opponents, it is now clear that Mitt Romney is the candidate most able to defeat Barack Obama in November. This election is too important to lose and that’s why I urge my fellow Republicans to join me in supporting Mitt Romney.” Translation: “I got fired by HP, my advice to John McCain in 2008 was so toxic, I was banned from the campaign and despite pouring millions of my own money into it, I lost my 2010 Senate race against Barbara Boxer in a spectacular manner, so why my opinion matters outside the four walls of my house is beyond me, but I felt compelled to give it anyway.” —Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina, Mar. 26, 2012
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE IN A BAD MARRIAGE
10. Your wife asks you to lend her boyfriend money to take her out on Valentine’s Day.
9. Your husband asks you to show his girlfriend your “special talent.”
8. When you’re making out the grocery list, your wife says, “Get those cookies that Gerald likes” and your son’s name is Eric.
7. Your husband asks you to recommend a perfume for a “friend” at work.
6. You’re at a wedding and when the bridal party enters, your wife says, “Did him. Had him. Want to do her.”
5. At your anniversary dinner, a woman you’ve never seen before, comes over and says, “So, when can the kids and I expect to get the check this month?”
4. Your husband always gets nervous around your sister.
3. When you come home from work, your spouse sighs and says, “Oh, it’s just you.”
2. You see a bill from a pool cleaning service, but you don’t have a pool.
1. Your wife comes home at 3 a.m. and when asked where she’s been, she says, “Out having sex with a real man.”
“When it comes to being a condescending,
irritating, smug as fuck, self-centered know-it-all,
Paul Ryan’s got nothing on me. NOTHING!”
MORE SIGNS YOU’RE IN A BAD MARRIAGE
10. You notice your daughter has the same “lazy” left eye as your next-door neighbor.
9. Your wife insists on naming your son Sebastian after her cubicle mate at work.
8. Your husband says things like, “If I was going to stay married to you, I’d…”
7. Your kids call your brother, “Uncle Daddy.”
6. Your spouse comes home, sees you and says, “You’re still here?”
5. Your 45 year-old wife is going on “Spring Break” to Cancun with your 19 year-old daughter.
4. After 25 years together, you discover your wife’s tattoo on her inner thigh.
3. During sex, your wife says “Hurry up, I’ve got important things to do.”
2. After sex, your husband calls and says, “I’m on my way home. Do you need anything from the grocery store?”
1. Your spouse says, “I think we should go on ‘Maury’.”
JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT
NBC News’ Andrea Mitchell in Havana, Cuba
LET US NEVER FORGET HIS SACRIFICE